To know that your existence is rejected by a parent is devastating. What effects do this rejection and parental narcissism have on your love life? How about bullying in school and so on?
One of the biggest struggles for me is to believe that anyone can love me. Why would they if even my father didn’t?
As I approach middle age, I still can’t answer that. I’ve no clue.
I exist because I have a use: for my parents to conform to expectations. For another member of the family to satisfy his fantasy.
Any man who has shown interest in me can only want me for sex.
Pity sex for the fat girl.
Selfish sex because here’s an opportunity to get some from someone who’s so desperate for attention she’ll do anything.
Win-a-bet sex because he can crow about it and either say how horrible it was or how he did her such a generous favour.
Desperate sex because nobody else is available for them at that time.
They don’t love me. They may not even like me.
Oh sorry, one of them did love me. At least that is what he said.
Nobody loved me more than he did. It would be amazing to teach me everything there is to know about sex. And yes, his wife did know. I was a young teenager and he is an incestuous paedophile.
God, how I hate using those words. I hate how he talked to me and how he wanted me. He never raped me, “just” touched me but it still makes me shudder. And WTF?! His wife knows?! I’m not even going to go there but how’s that for an introduction to what sex and love can be?!
I was never starved of healthier male attention. It was still nice to be wanted even if it was just for a moment. Some stayed a little longer than others. One even turned into my best friend! It was definitely worth getting through the awkwardness of turning our couple hood into friendship.
Other relationships brought me different things. One petered out by my fault. I didn’t show him I wanted it to go anywhere. I had learned to hide my feelings and wants too well because I was taught I am not entitled to have them. It opened my eyes on how closed I was.
I dated one man who taught me many things. He was my Christian Grey but without the money. The attraction was strong but we were so very wrong together. You can try and make that work all you want, it just won’t. He was also seeing someone else. He was open and honest about her with me from the start. As it turned out I’m not the jealous type. I was also fine with him teaching me what he did but that lifestyle just isn’t me. I understand very well how this kind of relationship works for some, how it is based on respect and trust. I understand how most people don’t understand that. I stopped seeing him because there is something inherently wrong with me putting myself in a situation where I am once again at the “mercy of someone else’s control” when I was so desperately in need of being allowed to be my own person. Contrary to how my life forced me to be, I am not submissive. But I did trust him and that is a big thing. He didn’t lie, cheat or hide.
And then there’s always one guy who is a total asshole. He chose to disappear and ghost me. Seriously, what kind of a pathetic, childish coward does that? I can take the rejection. Teenagers who don’t know any better I can understand I suppose, but a grown-up? Until I started writing this it never occurred to me why I took it so badly. Ghosting is torture to someone with my background. I have the right to exist. I have the right to respect, to be rejected like a human being and not silently wished into inexistence.
Eventually you find someone who suits you even though it might not be perfect you balance each other out nicely and you decide to build a life, have kids, buy a house… Where the difficulties here come in is that we each have insecurities that we have transposed onto each other and makes it feel less free and comfortable, it shuts down our communication. He loves me. Head knows it. Heart still waits for him to wake up and leave. Maybe Heart will stop being louder than Head someday.
I don’t know if or how long we’ll last or which of us will bow out first, whether it will be by choice of a new life or because we’ve grown too old and our bodies fail. We’re just taking it one day at a time. We’ve fought for us and continue to do so. I’ve even done what most people would consider to be unforgivable and ended many relationships and marriages. I met someone else. It’s not easy every day but no matter what I’ve thrown at him (mugs a couple of times, words most of the time) he has stayed. Every time he does, he proves me wrong.
Maybe I am not unlovable after all, but I am socially inept.
Trusting anyone is hard. The minute I have the slightest doubt something is being hidden, unsaid, or is just a lie all my walls and barriers and alarm systems go up, the heavy weaponry comes out and I close myself off. These barriers very rarely come back down again. Once the trust is broken, I don’t know how to fix it. I will torture myself about every single detail afterwards expecting them to be a lie again. Every little change in expression is some judgement or rejection of me, something hidden. Anything anyone says, regardless of subject or person has the potential to be a lie and a manipulation.
My abusive family and school bullies made me this way. It’s exhausting. They have made me lonely and difficult and paranoid. Being alone inside a fortress is no fun.