Monthly Archives: March 2017

Shades Of Hope

It’s time to address a different issue.

 

“Hello, my name is Musings and have an eating disorder. I have Binge Eating Disorder.”

 

Netflix here uploaded a new series called Addicted to Food about in-patients in a treatment center in Texas. Obviously, the title made me curious but also apprehensive since a lot of the shows about issues with food, eating badly tend to be very preachy and focused on diet and exercise only. They are fundamentally unhelpful.

This one had me hooked from the start. I cried almost all the way through every single episode but I completely related to most of the participants. It was an OMG discovery for me. I recognised myself in so many of their issues. Insights into their behaviour appears helpful for me too.

I will be watching the whole series a second time with a notebook handy. I plan to write about what comes up in me after each episode. I want to use this as an opportunity to heal myself.

 

 

 

 

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Him and understanding

Him (my partner) has a hard time understanding why I believe what I believe and react the way I do. I think he thinks he gets it but I read things that give me further insight into what I already know. And sometimes I just don’t have the right words at the right time.
Clichegirls’ post has anchored some things I thought but also opened up a whole new lot of questions I have to consider carefully now 🙂

http://clichegurl.com/2017/03/24/good-luck-other-woman/

On Pill Popping And Other Treatments

 

It has been a struggle to find the right drug for me. I generally don’t react well to them, having anything from just uncomfortable and embarrassing to completely debilitating side effects, sometimes the rarer ones, often the common ones. Same goes for my thyroid in fact, I have to import meds because I don’t react to the standard ones available here.

 

Currently I am on Quetiapine. Moved over to that from Cipralexa that wasn’t enough in its lowest dose but I can’t increase it due to side effects. We didn’t wean me off one then switch to the other this time. We did a straight swap. The first couple of weeks were ok before the Cipralexa left my entirely.

As usual coming off that pill gave me this unpleasant reaction where it feels like there are fireworks going off inside your brain. Like electric shocks. Usually when I looked in a different direction. That decreases over time. It’s a lot better now and just happens occasionally.

 

Quetiapine on its own in this low does really isn’t helping enough. We’ve added a natural anti-depressant made from saffron to it. We’ll try the natural-no-side-effects one first then if that doesn’t help enough try a half Cipralexa instead of the saffron. Having just gotten off the chemicals I thought I’d try the more expensive natural remedy first and avoid going through the withdrawal again to try the natural one, it doesn’t make sense the other way around.

This morning a friend asked that question. “well if it’s so hard can you not go without?” Seriously? It’s offensive. Do you think I would chose to put myself through all that I f I could avoid it?

Quite frankly it’s hard to be alive. Most days it seems like a bigger struggle than it’s worth. And that’s with meds. Without, forget it, I’m outa here! Spending that same time writing about really painful heartbreak hasn’t helped of course but it needed to come out.

 

Today is day 4 of the saffron and it might be unrelated but I’m feeling ok today. I don’t know if it makes a difference, I don’t really believe in the power of stones and crystals but at this point I’ll try whatever I can. I have amazonite stones I wear around my wrist.

 

I will go and visit my kinesiologist.

I went to see her the first time because she was recommended to me. I made the appointment not knowing where I was going or what I would do there. This is very much unlike me. I do my homework beforehand but something just drew me there.  As she waved her crystals over me I kept thinking that this was all BS and what a waste of money but I have to admit it made a big difference. She made gestured at one point as if she was pulling my guts out. She threw whatever spiritual residue that was aside saying “I don’t know what that was but I can only describe it as yuck”. I only worked out what it was weeks later. It was Other. She took him out of my soul. For a while it felt like she’d stolen all of that but it’s really ok that he stopped haunting me that way. No torturing myself. I was detached. He’s imposing on me again a bit so I’ll go back and hope she pulls him out again.

She also helped with my BED on my third appointment. I had a couple of months of complete disinterest in food and zero need to fill the void. I think Him got frustrated that I never had any suggestions to offer when he asked what I wanted for dinner.

The changing of meds now has unbalanced me and kind of cancelled out a part of what she had done. It’s time to go back. The anxiety I feel is often overwhelming.

Every appointment has been an odd experience of physical reactions but more so of emotions washing over me like waves and disappearing. Mostly the ones about fear and love make me react strongly. I have this powerful need to cry without knowing why which dissipates as quickly as it came. I leave there feeling tired but more peaceful. It’s the strangest of treatments I have tried and I still don’t really believe but I also can’t deny what it does.

 

“Rounds”

Learning for the first time
When it might be the last
How’d I come to be so slow
To put things in the pastI guess we all, just find our way
But some over the peace
Some would say, experience
Can never be replaced

It seems to me that as the years go by
More questions than the answers come to mind
And so it is that as the years go by
More questions than the answers tell me why

It seems to me that as the years go by
More questions than the answers come to mind
And so it is that as the years go by
More questions than the answers tell me why

Ever going, round and round
The circle game we’re in
The more I know, the less I know
I end where I begin

It seems to me that as the years go by
More questions than the answers come to mind
And so it is that as the years go by
More questions than the answers tell me why

On love and heartbreak: Heartbreak

Part I

Part II:

 

Looking back, I wouldn’t do anything different.

While picking this apart for the thousandth time I saw the clue I had completely blanked out until now. The single but all important warning sign. This clue wouldn’t have made the slightest bit of difference to the outcome. And I wish I hadn’t seen it. Not seeing it was easier; that surprised me. I believed understanding would help, not make it worse.

 

Until now the why and how he dumped me in such a way has astounded me.

It made no sense. I had a number of theories and couldn’t decide which one was the truth:

1) He lied about loving me.

Maybe it was one of those moments when someone declares themselves to you and you cringe so you go along with it for a while until you work up the courage to say no.

– This is a very likely scenario if I assume he told the truth for the rest. The lie wasn’t easier for me, that was just easier for him. I understand people want to take the easy route, god knows I do too, but when you know of someone’s weaknesses and their issues with trust, that you’re genuinely close, you just can’t do that. You have to be brave enough to reject them with some dignity and not lead them on. He provoked this as much as I did. He flirted, a lot, he stared into my eyes way way longer than someone who wants nothing, a lot. It was more than just friendship. Unless I imagined it all in which case lock me up right now.

 

2) It was just entertainment for him, something pleasant while he had time and was a little bored. He didn’t expect me to take it seriously and this is also why he pushed me away so harshly.

– I did give warnings, I said stop teasing because it’s stirring things inside of me a few times, I gave him outs once in a while. He never took them and pointedly continued doing the things I said had an effect.

This is the option Heart believes because it makes sense considering my experience of people in general.

 

3) I scared Other away by telling Him about it. Our fairy tale turned into something harmful for someone else. He doesn’t like conflict or rocking the boat too much.

– This is a likely scenario but I also pointed out that it did us more good than the expected harm. It really did help Him and I give it another go.

 
4) He ended it just because of guilt towards Her but secretly still has feelings for me.

– I feel pathetic just writing this. It’s only an option because I can’t see how we could be one way then so suddenly another. It truly doesn’t make sense to me. This is wishful thinking but the trust is broken.

If he did decide to sacrifice himself in a noble gesture he also sacrificed me and Him in the process. What breaks me consequently breaks Him. It is his choice but just telling me that flat out is something I could deal with and respect. And maybe tease him a little. If I’m being honest this is the only way that fantasy survives and I feel slightly less terrible because it isn’t me that is being rejected. But it’s the least likely, isn’t it?!

He warned that the change in his schedule would give us a lot less time.  I did not understand this as being a warning of an end, just a warning of a change. At this point I can admit to myself that I missed a clue towards the end. He stopped telling me he loved quite soon after he said he did. Nothing else changed until his circumstances did and he took the opportunity to get rid of me. He had no more time for me and too many responsibilities. I believe the obligations but time…. I’ve seen him post stuff on the internet… there’s a lot of it. He has a lot of time for that. And again, I made no demands.
You should be able to expect that someone who cares about others, who is kind and generous would be able to consider those around him and try to act accordingly. Even more so when he knows they have deep seated issues and he does know. He’s learned all of my shit over those couple of years.

 

People say “you don’t know what you are missing”…  Not knowing doesn’t hurt you. I was shown what that was exactly. Happiness. And perfect, book-worthy romances. I felt truly valued and then it was taken away. 

I was used. 

Again. 

It was just “a bit of fun” while he had extra free time. I have spent way too long trying to make sense of this and to get over it. I’ve wondered if he is a narcissist who was gaslighting me and I couldn’t see it. I don’t think he is. I like to think I’m no longer blind to narcissism. He is the one who put me on that track in the first place. He’s the one who woke me up to what my father, and then manager were doing to me. He helped me deal with a narc who was leading a vendetta against me because he didn’t like what I said once, he defended me publicly.

I don’t think I’m any closer to getting past it. Quite the contrary. Even though I see the clue I keep having to remind myself of it so I don’t go back to ignoring that tiny little fact.

 

With my history being what it is, it is nearly impossible for me to wonder why he would be different and not have used me, why would he not have lied, why would he not have manipulated? There isn’t anything that allows me to think otherwise. That is almost all I know. I clung to the thought of someone else loving me that much because it made being alive worth the effort of getting through every single day.

Some hopeless romantics will ask “But what if he secretly still loves you?” Does it even matter at this point? The trust is broken. The hurt doesn’t all just evaporate from one minute to the next. I’m not sure there could ever be a way I could let go and get comfortable again. If you were lucky enough to have my trust it in the first place and break it, you don’t get it back. Ever. You’ve no idea the paranoid scenarios that go through my mind. Long and short cons all the way.

Other more pragmatic souls will say “They never leave their wives, you know”. No I don’t know, my mother left my dad for another man 23 years ago. They are married now. And anyway I never asked or expected him to leave her.

 

I love you? Nope, not going to put myself out there again anytime soon. I’ve had an elephant sitting on my chest for all this time. Some days I wish I’d never met him because despite the absolutely amazing parts this pain is one of the worst ever. It’s level with the “I regret making you, you ruined my life“. How could I be so blind and stupid and think I deserved my fairy tale and having people in my life who aren’t just out to get what they can or want before throwing me out.

Another blogger who talks of narcissism, said this of an ex “Because I was open to him, to us, I absorbed every one of his words as if they were physical blows.  They were actually much worse, although it took me forever to figure that out.  His blows cut to the core of my soul.  He took every fear and doubt I had ever shared with him and threw them back at me” * Other might not be a narc but this turn of phrase is perfectly appropriate here too.

 

I doubt my sanity. My ultimate love story happened only to me. All by myself in my imagination. Looking back, as the story evolved, I must have made mistakes but I would change nothing in how I behaved. It was the right response given what information I had. Everything I did and said was the truth and it was carefully considered. I really, truly believed it. This has been humiliating. It makes me angry at myself, at him, at life itself. I don’t understand why I almost exclusively have to deal with these kinds of people. If you believe in karma, I was a very bad person before. Can you imagine this from his point of view? See things getting totally out of control on her side? Her family falling apart in part “because of you” (even if it’s not)? Of course he ran.

 

We all have dreams of fairy tales of happily ever afters both in love and work to aspire to. Most of us never really get there, we all have regrets about things we did and knew we shouldn’t, or of what we never tried. We stay enveloped in the stress of everyday life from which we find little relief. He broke my dream of being loved enough that I don’t feel so worthless. That is all I ever wanted.  He turned it from fantasy into reality then back to an illusion. Him does his best but the damage left by so many means that he can try all he wants one person isn’t enough to lift me.

 

Dreams of rosy futures of perfect harmony in blissful homes are unicorns. Too good to be true. Maybe you’re never supposed to get there but what happens when you do get your hands on one of these mythical beasts, manage to hold onto it briefly then it just disappears in a puff of glittery rainbow smoke? What do you dream about? What do you aspire to? It all seems a little flat. I can’t see getting back up to that level of positivity again. I’m not sure how to function without that ultimate goal of brilliance to spur me on, to push me to better my life and my relations with, well, everyone. It’s damaged my faith in people very badly.
Wanting a better, a more fun job, a bigger and nicer house… those aren’t the goals I’m talking about. They are not what makes life count. What makes it count is the richness of it, the power of friendship and love, the fundamentals of caring. It’s the things that you care so much about you’d chose to live forever because you can’t bear for it to end.

 

*https://clichegurl.com/2017/02/07/the-mess-left-by-the-narcissist/

 

Narcissists Feed On Shame

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Shame is a new concept for me.  I lived it, but I never understood it.  From as early as I can remember I’ve felt a deep sense of shame, a belief that I was inherently such a bad human I deserved nothing.

As a child I was called “practically perfect”.  My family thought this was cute.  I independently did my homework, brushed my teeth, laid out my clothes for the next day.  What my family & I didn’t understand was that this obsessive need to do everything perfectly came from my profound sense of shame.

Here’s how it works.

As an infant, toddler, or young child, your family is unable to meet your needs.  Attempts on your part to get attention, love, even basic necessities, are met with hostility or simply ignored; brushed off.   In my case, I was the 3rd child in 3 years.  My mother was alone…

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On love and heartbreak: Heartbreak

 

 

PART  I

I have written other posts on different kinds of heartbreak. (here and here)
This one is the one you expect: I got dumped.

 

The internet can be a wonderful place as much as it can be bloody awful. It brings people together whose paths would likely never cross otherwise.
That is how I met Him (my partner).

It is also how I met the Other one.

“Two men?! Omg! The horrible bitch who had an affair!!!”
“I hope Other was single at least!”

“No, he wasn’t.”

“Ooh the husband stealing bitch!!”

Think what you like.
I really didn’t look for it, I tried to ignore him. But this happened in the most natural and organic way.

 

We all have different approaches to relationships and what we expect of them. I have been in an open relationship before so I don’t have much of a problem with polyamory as long as everyone is honest and everyone is ok with the situation.
I’m open minded.
Love however you like.

 

My partner of just over a decade is complementary to me. We come from opposite backgrounds. Opposite in just about every sense. He has a kindness, gentleness and generosity that I have rarely seen. He is diplomatic, which I am certainly not. We balance each other out well… this is necessary for both of us, I think. We have a stable enough life, home, children, a cat, plans for the future, a car with too much mileage and a number of issues like any other couple….

 

Then the Internet brought me Other.

 

Other is confident, independent, mature, fun, adventurous, sensibly perfectionist, and very uplifting to me. I was completely free to manage my life however I pleased. When I worried about something he had just the right words. There were no obligations towards each other.

Both relationships were so different and both of them at the same time were the ultimate perfect story. In my mind, it was all very clear and simple. There were two separate stories that just happened to overlap in time.

 

Him happened very quickly. Within 3 months we were living together.

Other…. it was oh so slow. Granted we only see other once or twice a year at functions but still the build-up in flirting was slow and subtle… that might be why it was so intense to me. Making those first few weeks of anticipation, when you like each other and are trying to work out if it’s mutual without saying anything, last for a couple of years. Literally.

 

We never slept together, never kissed or even held hands. It was all long talks, laughs, endless eye contact, subtle hints of more when alone and just close friends in public. There was no effort in the transition between public and private, including other people in the attention was easy. Everything was natural and comfortable.

 

For someone who has lived under restrictions imposed by those around me this was liberating. Like stepping through the cupboard into Narnia. There is a whole world there I had never seen before. A world of wonder, delight and magic.

 

For a long time, I refused to see anything was going on but Him got jealous. He knew before I did. I thought it was just a fantasy like what you’d think of an attractive actor or something. Perhaps I should have stopped all contact with Other at that moment but I couldn’t. Communicating with him was a given, kind of like breathing. And I had learned from previous mistakes and was expressing myself.

 

Eventually it became too much for me. I had to be frank and tell him I love him. I just couldn’t bare the idea of saying our goodbyes again and just letting him walk away.
The too embarrassing to write about rom com scenario wasn’t planned it just happened in the spur of the moment when I followed my heart. I didn’t manage to get to him and tell him face to face, it ended up being text message. He texted the same back. He had to spell it out because I found it hard to believe it could be true. I wrote him a long email, he responded with the most glorious letter. He confided a very romantic secret fantasy… Oddly I’d had the exact same one but I’d never have the courage to openly admit it without dying of embarrassment even now.

We continued chatting as before but decorated it all with sweet nothings.

 

I had been so sure of myself when I blurted it all out. I saw no signs anything was wrong. In hindsight….  nope, still not. There wasn’t a single thing to make me doubt. I am well trained to spot those slightly off things, slight inconsistencies in what people say, body language, eye contact and the tell-tale micro-expressions… I have done that all my life. There was nothing. That amount of eye contact, with such a gentle and open facial expression is not something you share with a random stranger or someone who doesn’t really give a shit.

 

I had offered him outs all along, he never took them. In fact, he pointedly refused them.
I had told him where I was and where I came from and if how messed up I was, told him that if he wanted to run away, now was the right time. He answered that he wasn’t going anywhere. I told him several times to stop saying this or doing that because it stirred things up in me. He would promptly “tease” me again. So, I let go and surrendered and dropped my defences. I knew that if it backfired it would be bad but I felt safe.

 

I eventually told Him everything, that I was leaving. Not for Other but for myself because we weren’t working well and I did not expect him to accept any of this. If I could be with neither of them that was ok but I couldn’t continue as things were. Him eventually accepted Other being a part of my life because he knew that if he wanted us to give it another go he had no choice. He couldn’t force me to choose and we had to work on the issues we had that were unrelated to Other. That is exactly what happened. To this day, this drama is probably one of the best things that happened to us, our relationship is better and stronger for it. Ironically the only reason I met Other is because of Him.

 

I was genuinely happy that it all worked out in the best way imaginable for me. I couldn’t believe I could be so lucky. Things were not perfect of course but we were working on it and I had the best of both worlds.
Happiness isn’t a feeling I am familiar with. Neither is validation and I desperately needed those. I still do but I had them in sufficiency for a little while.

 

How did I imagine this would play out? I didn’t really imagine it to be very different, we’d visit a few times a year, chat online, occasionally send each other a package with something nice inside… it was fine as it was, it was enough. It was more than I’d even hoped for.
I really was ok with long distance. Under these circumstances, it made sense. Nobody had to choose to leave their home, friends, jobs, uproot everything to move elsewhere.

 

It was all a beautiful, if rather sickly, fairy tale and then it suddenly wasn’t…

 

Part II

 

 

Capture

https://youtu.be/9Pes54J8PVw

Negative to positive

 

These posts are dark, sad, miserable.

The point is not to invite pity. I don’t mean or want to be sad sack.

I also don’t want to bring you down.

These are just little parts of my story and why I am this messed up.
I don’t walk around all day, every day crying, or with a long face.
No I also laugh, joke, sing, dance silly dances with the kids, I enjoy things, care about stuff and causes, am interested and curious….
but those are not the parts I need to fix. Those are the parts that keep me going.These posts don’t need to be public but just maybe someone will find comfort that they aren’t alone. They are to help me understand things better and then maybe that can help move on.And that happens. As I write I learn stuff, I make connections I didn’t see before, stop hiding from things I don’t want to see.

Peace

Peace will come to me
Peace will come to me

I’m leaving bitterness
Behind this time
I’m cleaning out my mind
There is no space
For the regrets
I will remember to forget

Just look at me
I am walking love incarnate
Look at the frequencies
At which I vibrate
I’m going to light up the world

Peace will come to me
Peace will come to me

I’m leaving anger in the past
With all the shadows
That it cast
There is a radar in my heart
I should have trusted
From the start

Just look at me
I’m a living act of holiness
Giving all the positivity
That I possess
I’m going to light up the world

Peace will come to me
Just wait and see
Peace will come to me
It’s meant to be
Peace will come to me
Just wait and see
Peace will come to me
It’s an inevitability

 

Lyrics: Martin L. Gore, 2009