On Pill Popping And Other Treatments

 

It has been a struggle to find the right drug for me. I generally don’t react well to them, having anything from just uncomfortable and embarrassing to completely debilitating side effects, sometimes the rarer ones, often the common ones. Same goes for my thyroid in fact, I have to import meds because I don’t react to the standard ones available here.

 

Currently I am on Quetiapine. Moved over to that from Cipralexa that wasn’t enough in its lowest dose but I can’t increase it due to side effects. We didn’t wean me off one then switch to the other this time. We did a straight swap. The first couple of weeks were ok before the Cipralexa left my entirely.

As usual coming off that pill gave me this unpleasant reaction where it feels like there are fireworks going off inside your brain. Like electric shocks. Usually when I looked in a different direction. That decreases over time. It’s a lot better now and just happens occasionally.

 

Quetiapine on its own in this low does really isn’t helping enough. We’ve added a natural anti-depressant made from saffron to it. We’ll try the natural-no-side-effects one first then if that doesn’t help enough try a half Cipralexa instead of the saffron. Having just gotten off the chemicals I thought I’d try the more expensive natural remedy first and avoid going through the withdrawal again to try the natural one, it doesn’t make sense the other way around.

This morning a friend asked that question. “well if it’s so hard can you not go without?” Seriously? It’s offensive. Do you think I would chose to put myself through all that I f I could avoid it?

Quite frankly it’s hard to be alive. Most days it seems like a bigger struggle than it’s worth. And that’s with meds. Without, forget it, I’m outa here! Spending that same time writing about really painful heartbreak hasn’t helped of course but it needed to come out.

 

Today is day 4 of the saffron and it might be unrelated but I’m feeling ok today. I don’t know if it makes a difference, I don’t really believe in the power of stones and crystals but at this point I’ll try whatever I can. I have amazonite stones I wear around my wrist.

 

I will go and visit my kinesiologist.

I went to see her the first time because she was recommended to me. I made the appointment not knowing where I was going or what I would do there. This is very much unlike me. I do my homework beforehand but something just drew me there.  As she waved her crystals over me I kept thinking that this was all BS and what a waste of money but I have to admit it made a big difference. She made gestured at one point as if she was pulling my guts out. She threw whatever spiritual residue that was aside saying “I don’t know what that was but I can only describe it as yuck”. I only worked out what it was weeks later. It was Other. She took him out of my soul. For a while it felt like she’d stolen all of that but it’s really ok that he stopped haunting me that way. No torturing myself. I was detached. He’s imposing on me again a bit so I’ll go back and hope she pulls him out again.

She also helped with my BED on my third appointment. I had a couple of months of complete disinterest in food and zero need to fill the void. I think Him got frustrated that I never had any suggestions to offer when he asked what I wanted for dinner.

The changing of meds now has unbalanced me and kind of cancelled out a part of what she had done. It’s time to go back. The anxiety I feel is often overwhelming.

Every appointment has been an odd experience of physical reactions but more so of emotions washing over me like waves and disappearing. Mostly the ones about fear and love make me react strongly. I have this powerful need to cry without knowing why which dissipates as quickly as it came. I leave there feeling tired but more peaceful. It’s the strangest of treatments I have tried and I still don’t really believe but I also can’t deny what it does.

 

“Rounds”

Learning for the first time
When it might be the last
How’d I come to be so slow
To put things in the pastI guess we all, just find our way
But some over the peace
Some would say, experience
Can never be replaced

It seems to me that as the years go by
More questions than the answers come to mind
And so it is that as the years go by
More questions than the answers tell me why

It seems to me that as the years go by
More questions than the answers come to mind
And so it is that as the years go by
More questions than the answers tell me why

Ever going, round and round
The circle game we’re in
The more I know, the less I know
I end where I begin

It seems to me that as the years go by
More questions than the answers come to mind
And so it is that as the years go by
More questions than the answers tell me why

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