After reading an article on a blog I want to comment the following.
They are not homes where parents separate, they are homes where parents stay and are miserable, whatever the reason, when parents are miserable their children know it. They might be young and not understand it but they still know how it feels wrong; they are more intuitive than grown-ups. Broken homes are homes where the people inside them are broken, or even just chipped or cracked. Where a person pushes the other down and in order to feel better about themselves. They are homes, not just with physical violence but with insults, criticism, puts downs, manipulation all of those together or separately.
We really need to change the way we speak about things and move away from antiquated ideas that don’t respect our humanity and take away our quality of life because of a promise we made one day when under the spell of a dream. We marry “until death do us part” but maybe death comes from being with someone that isn’t good from us. It can be quick and violent or slow and quiet. Either way it hurts.
Knowing you are in an abusive relationship and staying in it is a very slow form of suicide. If you don’t risk dying in violence you will be at risk of dying from depression because, yes, depression is deadly illness. If you, as a partner, in one of these couples feels bad, your children also feel it. You really do need to protect yourself. You need to protect your children. If you are abused, it’s not you, it’s your partner. It’s never you, no matter what they say. It’s who they are. You will never be the only one to feel some form of pain, your children will too.
Teach you kids it’s ok to protect themselves. Teach your kids to respect themselves by not putting up with abusive behaviour. Teach your kids to stand up for themselves. Tach by example. Leave your partner. I promise there is nothing good that will ever come from living with an abusive person.
Grieve for your dream, grieve the partner you hoped for but didn’t get.
I come from divorced parents. Separating is the best thing they ever did. I am proud of my mother walking out of and leaving a narcissist. I am proud she left to be happy elsewhere. I am happy her husband looks after her. Yes, it hurt at the time but I have never doubted she did the right thing and I wish with all my heart that she had done it sooner.
How do you know if you are in an abusive relationship? You probably already know. If your partner has ever hit you, it’s abusive. If your partner is hypercritical, makes you feel stupid regularly, puts you down a little too often, always tells you you’re too dramatic, doesn’t believe you, makes threats of any kind, makes you feel like they won’t love you if you don’t give into their will, if most of how you live reflects their choice. All of those together or separately. If anyone around you has told you that is not acceptable behaviour on the part of your partner more than one single time then maybe consider what they are saying seriously. They have a different insight on your relationship than you do. They see it from outside more plainly, without all the complexities and excuses. If it looks wrong from the outside it’s most likely wrong on the inside.